trouble will find me
Feb. 10th, 2022 10:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
grace_and_juneThere's so much I want to write about but somehow the words never quite reach my mouth or fingers to type into existence so I'm going to try and see if I can categorise the different lines of thought I've been running on instead.
1. My relationship with the spiritual world is complex and fraught with issues of love, destiny, character-discovering, decency, good relational conduct and abuses, and having a place in the world in ways I don't really understand and would like to work out properly over the next few months.
2. I think it's about time to acknowledge that the spiritual has a very real, public presence and part in my life to the point where my troubles (amongst other experiences) with it are known to people and it's now not just about my lonesome self churning out written posts on some anonymous form of social media. Spiritual sensitivity and anxiety limits my social life and how much I can reach out to others while being sure that I'm able to be my good, friendly self without disruption from things like untoward land spirits or rogue spirits or others of the like. I think I'm becoming a recluse.
3. Regarding being possessed 24/7 while my life is massively renovated: I appreciate the company, for sure, but living like this has its downsides. I make sure that I'm clean, coherent, and presentable internally, and it means that it fucking shows when some of these ghosts step in with scattered disorganised thinking, a lack of cool, and a general inability to just sit the fuck down and try some mindfulness. I'm being deprived here of my ability to give myself respite by enjoying my own company and my immediate surroundings and it sucks. I'm launching a complaint with the higher-ups. Rude.
4. About my current efforts at ameliorating #3 and the way that works with my schizophrenia diagnosis and medication: I keep thinking that I'll pick things back up when I'm in a better place, but what if there is no better place? Can I bear living the shadow of a life I currently inhabit? For how long? Why isn't anything I do help with this? I have no freaking point of reference for this or how to negotiate for better. How do I move in relation to all this? When does this end? For how long am I signed up for this ride? I keep being kept on a short leash with no explanation as to why or what's happening--when does this spiritual intervention in my life end? What is it that I'm suppose to have learnt? I can understand being horsed or used to try and provoke change in my family, but hasn't that already been set in motion and been achieved already? Just what is it that I'm missing here?
1. My relationship with the spiritual world is complex and fraught with issues of love, destiny, character-discovering, decency, good relational conduct and abuses, and having a place in the world in ways I don't really understand and would like to work out properly over the next few months.
2. I think it's about time to acknowledge that the spiritual has a very real, public presence and part in my life to the point where my troubles (amongst other experiences) with it are known to people and it's now not just about my lonesome self churning out written posts on some anonymous form of social media. Spiritual sensitivity and anxiety limits my social life and how much I can reach out to others while being sure that I'm able to be my good, friendly self without disruption from things like untoward land spirits or rogue spirits or others of the like. I think I'm becoming a recluse.
3. Regarding being possessed 24/7 while my life is massively renovated: I appreciate the company, for sure, but living like this has its downsides. I make sure that I'm clean, coherent, and presentable internally, and it means that it fucking shows when some of these ghosts step in with scattered disorganised thinking, a lack of cool, and a general inability to just sit the fuck down and try some mindfulness. I'm being deprived here of my ability to give myself respite by enjoying my own company and my immediate surroundings and it sucks. I'm launching a complaint with the higher-ups. Rude.
4. About my current efforts at ameliorating #3 and the way that works with my schizophrenia diagnosis and medication: I keep thinking that I'll pick things back up when I'm in a better place, but what if there is no better place? Can I bear living the shadow of a life I currently inhabit? For how long? Why isn't anything I do help with this? I have no freaking point of reference for this or how to negotiate for better. How do I move in relation to all this? When does this end? For how long am I signed up for this ride? I keep being kept on a short leash with no explanation as to why or what's happening--when does this spiritual intervention in my life end? What is it that I'm suppose to have learnt? I can understand being horsed or used to try and provoke change in my family, but hasn't that already been set in motion and been achieved already? Just what is it that I'm missing here?
